


My Friend And I Think We're Funny

by labyrinthineRetribution



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), please read this just. idk man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23529802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labyrinthineRetribution/pseuds/labyrinthineRetribution
Summary: Just your average day in the house of Davekat.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 139





	My Friend And I Think We're Funny

DAVE: so months of bitching at me has finally paid off  
DAVE: i watched failure to launch  
DAVE: and it was  
DAVE: god i recognized a lot of people in that movie but also not enough  
DAVE: bradley cooper was in there  
DAVE: wild  
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK IS BRADLEY COOPER?  
DAVE: unimportant  
DAVE: also i have no idea what else bradleys been in  
DAVE: all i know is hes supposed to be one of those Important White Hot Guys like. matt damien  
KARKAT: ITS DAMON DAVE  
DAVE: why do you know who matt damon is but not bradley cooper  
DAVE: god your man crush mondays are stupid as shit  
DAVE: anyway matthew mcconaughey has a weird face  
DAVE: didnt like it  
DAVE: sarah jessica parker was nice tho  
DAVE: also has a uncanny face  
DAVE: i think movies from the 2000s do something with your face maybe its the bronzer  
KARKAT: FAIR ENOUGH.  
KARKAT: HEY DO YOU REMEMBER THAT NIC CAGE MOVIE WHERE HE COULD REMOTE CONTROL HIS SAD, PATHETIC LIFE OR SOMETHING?  
KARKAT: I JUST REMEMBER IN THE PROMO PICTURE HE WAS AIRBRUSHED AS HELL.  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: thats fucking click  
DAVE: with adam sandler  
DAVE: or maybe theres an unrelated nic cage flick idk  
KARKAT: THEY LOOK THE SAME DON'T FAULT ME.  
DAVE: no they dont???  
DAVE: god fucking  
DAVE: i was about to make a joke about adam sandler  
DAVE: but then i realized hes not in the bee movie its seinfeld dude  
KARKAT: I LITERALLY HAVE TWO TABS OPEN WITH THE BOTH OF THEM AND I CANNOT DISTINGUISH ANY FEATURES THAT TELL THEM APART.  
KARKAT: NIC CAGE JUST LOOKS LIKE AN OLDER MORE EMACIATED ADAM SANDLER WHO WENT THROUGH ANOTHER DIVORCE.  
DAVE: im gonna fucking LOSE it  
DAVE: we cant keep doing this  
DAVE: you cant keep slandering my man cage and his weird gaunt face  
KARKAT: WEIRD GAUNT FACE IS CORRECT.  
KARKAT: ADAM SANDLER HAS LIKE, A BEARD. AND HIS HAIRLINE IS CONCAVE THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ON THE MATTER.  
DAVE: adams eyes are too squinty  
DAVE: its all in the eyes  
KARKAT: AND BOTH OF THOSE EYES HAVE SEEN THEIR FAIR SHARE OF OVER PARTICIPATING IN SHITTY 2000s MOVIES.  
DAVE: i dont even know why im like  
DAVE: defending cages honor  
DAVE: hes nice idk  
DAVE: wait are you implying all actors from the 2000s look the same  
DAVE: is that what were doing  
KARKAT: IM JUST SAYING THAT *THOSE TWO* DUDES SPECIFICALLY HAVE JUST STEPPED SO MANY TIMES IN THE SAME FOOTPATH THAT I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO EITHER KNOW OR CARE ABOUT THEIR PERSONAL DIFFERENCES!!!!  
KARKAT: THEY LOOK LIKE TWINS WHO JUST TOOK EXTRA CARE INTO LOOKING DIFFERENT.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU.  
KARKAT: I'M MAKING A DIAGRAM OF THE TRUTH.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: karkat dont  
DAVE: whatever youre doing right now cut it out  
DAVE: take your fingers away from the screen  
DAVE: i swear to god  
DAVE: i do not want to see your hand furiously scribbling on your shitty bullshit alien iphone  
DAVE: you are sitting directly next to me no amount of turning your body is preventing me from seeing this dude  
DAVE: jesus h dick im about to take your phone  
KARKAT: EAT SHIT.  
https://66.media.tumblr.com/6ab2f9bb7b9c1b781d3b0978bca95f02/e0d22915c42b6c91-81/s540x810/d9872e6653244ee50354c441c2751e059357c1c2.png  
KARKAT: READ IT AND WEEP DICKNUTS.  
DAVE: what the fuck  
KARKAT: OK I WILL CONCEDE LOOKING AT THEM SIDE BY SIDE ADAM DOES HAVE SOFTER FEATURES BUT REMOVING THEIR FACE SHAPE ALTOGETHER THEY'RE PRACTICALLY IDENTICAL.  
DAVE: THEYRE JUST WHITE!!!  
DAVE: THATS WHAT WHITE PEOPLE WHO ARE 50 LOOK LIKE  
DAVE: weird and melty  
KARKAT: THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT!  
KARKAT: YOU AGREE THEY LOOK THE FUCKING SAME!  
DAVE: THEY LOOK THE SAME IN THE WAY THAT ALL AVERAGE WHITE ADULT HUMAN MALES LOOK THE SAME YOU PIECE OF FUCKING GARBAGE  
KARKAT: SO I'M RIGHT!!  
DAVE: NO SHITHEAD YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ENOUGH FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE  
KARKAT: I'M CALLING BULLSHIT.  
KARKAT: CHRIS HUMAN HEMSWORTH DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THESE TWO SACKS OF BLAND MEAT AND MEDIOCRITY.  
DAVE: OF FUCKING COURSE?????  
DAVE: HES IN HIS FUCKING THIRTIES  
DAVE: AND HES A HOT PIECE OF ASS  
KARKAT: OF COURSE HE IS YOU HALF WIT BUT THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT IM MAKING!  
DAVE: no FUCK you chris is an outlier  
DAVE: he is like  
DAVE: the perfect man  
DAVE: he would buy me a bubble tea and wouldnt let me pay him back  
KARKAT: THIS ISN'T NEW INFORMATION DAVE.  
KARKAT: HEMSWORTH HUMAN CHRIS CAN FUCKING GET IT.  
KARKAT: HE WOULD LET ME SIT ON HIS SHOULDERS SO I COULD FEEL TALLER.  
KARKAT: ALL YOUR OTHER MALE HUMAN CINEMA STARS ARE ON THIN FUCKING ICE THO  
DAVE: oh of course  
DAVE: put ryan reynolds in the maybe list  
KARKAT: OH DEFINITELY.  
KARKAT: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! WE AGREED ON THE DUMBEST PART OF THIS ALREADY PAN ROTTING CONVERSATION.  
KARKAT: CONFLICT RESOLVED.  
DAVE: finally my third grade conflict resolution skills have purpose again

**Author's Note:**

> for what the final product is i put in way too much effort  
> big thank you to sam notedchampagne.tumblr.com for letting me exploit our bullshit for jokes. youre a real one  
> lets make this the top daved kat fic. idk why itd just be fucking hilarious


End file.
